Yeah, me neither......Until, the planets aligned and my Dad felt I was reasonably stable enough to meet Aunt Barbara.
Aunt Barbara is my Dad's aunt. Sister to my Grandpa Kenneth. She spent a great deal of time looking after my Dad while he lived in Blue Diamond as a kid, and I got to meet her today. She is a hilarious, tiny woman, only in her 70's, but looks about 400, with a mouth only a sailor could kiss. I started to get an idea of what to expect as we traipsed through her back yard, picking our way gingerly through the barrage of gnomes, trolls, pinwheels, flamingos, metal cowboy cut-outs, flags, flowers(plastic and real),frogs, fountains, and large rocks taken from the BLM.... Shhh! Don't tell.
As we made our way onto the back deck, we were greeted by a large sign announcing, 'This Ain't Home Sweet Home, Adjust', and Aunt Barbara's loud "Ha, Ha" cackle that turns into a horrible, hacking, smoker cough. I immediately felt right at home, especially when my Dad said he hoped she hadn't minded that we came through the back, and she cut him off and said that only the Mormons come through the front door, and that's how she knows not to answer the bell. Yes!
She led us into this awesome museum type house. Home to every politically incorrect sign, shot glass, and plaque known to man. When I used her bathroom, it was with such reverence, so as not to disturb the box of 'Fanny Floss' set out for guests, or the handmade signs, that I cannot repeat without blushing. In the short two hour visit, I learned the following things about my sweet Aunt Barb.
1-She makes monthly trips to Mexico for three things. Her eyeglasses, prescription drugs, and booze.
2-The last time she was in Mexico, she smuggled out 5 mini switchblades in a pair of underwear that she had sewn a pocket in, for just such an occasion.
3-While smuggling out the switchblades, she asked my Grandpa's wife, Shirlene to take a couple, and then when Shirlene was stopped by customs, Aunt Barb made a run for it, leaving her high and dry . (Shirlene then interjects in the story, that instead of apologizing for leaving her at the border, Aunt Barb gets after her for not returning the weapons and getting her money back, which is met by a horrific Ha, Ha! cackle/coughing fit from Aunt Barb.)
4-Aunt Barb spends a lot of time down at Shirley's Whorehouse (sp?) where the food is good, and she "loves watching the Ol' Pervs, pickin' out their dates." She also reports that she was spending so much time down there, that they gave her an application. ( insert Ha, Ha! Cackle*Wheeze*F-Bomb*Wheeze* Ha!*Jab to the chest* Wheeze and F-Bomb.)
At this point in our introduction to my new Fay-vor-ite-tist Auntie, we move outside to the porch, where Dawson stumbles upon what looks to be a dead hummingbird in a Mason jar. Before I can redirect him towards the trampoline, he asks what it was. "Ah, that *^%^%$ hummingbird froze during the &^#!@ winter and thought it was cute, so I bottled it."
We sat out on the porch for a long time, listening to her stories, and sucking down the sweet smell of second hand tobacco. Aunt Barb was really special to my Dad, and had I known about her earlier, would have begged to at least spend summers with her. Despite being wild and crazy, I could sense a real kindness, and softness to her eyes, and a fondness for my Dad. She showed us her handi-crafts, and proudly talked about her three children, one of whom, is a Las Vegas Police Officer. She also talked about her late husband with adoration and a sense of longing for the time when they were still together.
My Dad, and Grandpa Kenneth, had an interview with someone writing the town history, and when they returned to Aunt Barb's house, we all loaded up in the cars, and headed back into Vegas, to dinner at Jeff's house. Dave and I, followed Aunt Barb, who drove like a maniac, and at times, could see both of her hands; one gesturing to the people in the back seat, and the other ashing her Pall Mall out the window, but nothing holding the steering wheel. She swerved back and forth, and cut right in front of a line of cars, her little Saturn up on two wheels and her trademark cackle floating through the open window. I was afraid, I was going to lose her, just a few precious hours after meeting her, but we finally reached Jeff's house with everyone intact, and I got a little more time.
At the end of the night, Aunt Barbara scolded my Dad for keeping us from her all this time, and we all hugged and kissed goodnight. It was bittersweet as I learned that she has cancer, and not very much time left, especially with the way she puffs on her smokes. As calloused and rough as she seemed, she had such a tenderness about her as well, and it was a visit and a lady, that I will not ever forget.
Thanks for sharing, Dad.
Granpa Kenneth, Shirlene, Us and Aunt Barbara
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