Spring Break

The only thing, the Boyz wanted to do on Spring Break, was to have friends over. It was a miracle that both Boyz found friends that were in town and could come over for the day. Eventually I decided that Em needed a friend over as well, since she was cramping Dawson and Tanner's trampoline style and calling them "little shits" every time they bounced her. The kids played hard all day long and we capped off the evening with a BBQ with our friends Kelly and Andy. It is so lovely to have warm weather, and even lovelier, to like your neighbors.

Dylan and Kayden, had a great time riding bikes on the dirt hills. It was excruciating watching them lug their bikes up the dirt, but they didn't seem to mind the downhill.
The Boyz, including Dave, spent a lot of the afternoon playing "Deer." It's the redneck equivalent of Dodge ball. Dave played really fair, and I was proud of him for not taking advantage of his size and strength. However, I was slightly alarmed at the toe touches and other various cheer leading moves he was attempting.

And Emma and Mackley, had a great time playing Snow Whites. Before Mackley arrived I gave Em a gentle reminder that Princess' don't talk like sailors, even if their brothers bug them, and we were profanity free the rest of the afternoon.

Museum of Ancient Life

I took the Hoodlums to the Dinosaur Museum today and they loved it. We have been to this exhibit several times, but they really took their time today, looking at all the displays, and reading about the different dinosaurs. We saw a 3-D movie, and at one point during the film, I had all three of them on my lap, due to the T-Rexs' and their 3D hunting. Emma was hysterical when the Pterodactyls were flying out at us, she had both fists ready and was trying to hit them as they flew by.

I've Got A Good Gig

This morning Emma reminded me what an awesome life I have, as I stumbled out to the kitchen to distribute the morning vittles. I was recovering from a work hangover and still bleary-eyed and emotional, from Gram's stroke on Monday, when she noticed me with the fridge open and said, "I wish I was a Mom, gettin' her kids some yogurt." It kinda snapped me back into reality.

I told her how lucky I was, to be a Mom gettin' my kids some yogurt, and if she played her cards right, studied hard in school, minded her parents and didn't watch to much Dora, she too, could be padding around her kitchen in sweats, with mascara smeared to her cheekbones, and surrounded by sweet little things, to shower her with love and wisdom.

Clarified Butta Coma

Our last day in the desert, *sigh*, was spent just the way any family, desperate for sunshine, would spend it.....Indoors.

The Boyz were begging us to hit Circus Circus to ride the roller coasters, and lucky for Dyl, he is exactly 48" and a little bigger in his shoes. Gran-pa Ranny and Nana, humored Em on a few kiddie rides, then took her back to the hotel for a nap. God bless.

We had a blast playing with the Boyz, and it was so nice to have them big enough, and brave enough, to go on all the rides that we wanted to. Dawson even dared to ride the slingshot a couple of times with Dave, when I decided, I didn't care to have that 'uterus in your throat,' kinda feeling right before a seafood buffet.

We played all afternoon, and on the last couple of times down the water roller coaster, my poor flats got soaked. It's kind of an iffy situation when you wear shoes without socks anyway, but add water and a full day of walking to the equation, and basically just, yikes! Jeff and Mal, hung out all afternoon with us and we had a great time, but I felt bad for them when they piled in the car with us, and my feet were right by the air conditioner.

With everyone coastered out, we called the rest of the Clan, and decided to meet at The Orleans, for the seafood buffet. Going with my family to eat seafood, often brings back unpleasant memories for Dave, who's own family, doesn't really give butter and crab legs the respect or the audible moans, they deserve. Not judging, just saying. Anyway, I have never seen Dave's complexion, more green, than our trip to Cape Cod, when he sat across from my baby brother Will, as he went apocalyptic on a lobster. So, needless to say, Dave was not pumped, although his only stipulation was that he didn't sit across from Will.

Once the group reunited at The Orleans, Dave and I got the Hoodlums taken care of, and all bets were off. I should have had a roll, or a chaser of some sort, but standing in front of all that hot clarified butter, and the split crab legs taunting me from my plate, all the steps I had mastered in Butterholics Anonymous, went right out the window. It was like a demon inside me, cracking, shelling, dipping, marinating, succu-lating(?), and repeating. Anywho, it was intense.

When it was all said and done, I was like someone waking from a blackout. I surveyed my surroundings, and felt a little ashamed at the absolute annihilation of crab remnants littering our table. I heard people talking, but it was muffled, like I was underwater, and then felt Dave take my arm, to steady me as we left the restaurant.

By the time we got to the car, I was sloppy. Jeff and Mal rode home with us, and I started saying my thoughts out loud, like how loooob-rri-caaa-ted my eyelids felt, and how suh-loow they were blinking, look *buh-link buh-link*, and how warm my body was. I started singing, and what seemed like a compliment at the time, from my brother in the back seat, about how I shudda tried out for American Idol, now slaps me in the sober face.

It wasn't too long before the smell of my feet circulating through the air vents, put a harsh on my butter buzz. I started to sober up way to fast, and the previously warm and heavenly feeling fed into my paranoia and I started to wonder if this sensation was what stroke victims initially felt. Walking into the hotel, I was in full blown panic mode, full of remorse and teary. Dave was so good to me though, he put me to bed and stroked my head, and in between my vows to never eat crab drenched in butter again, he promised I would feel better in the morning.

He lied.

Morning came, along with the terrible smell of butter and seafood wafting from my pores, in spite of some serious exfoliation in the shower. We loaded up the car, played at the pool long enough to get sunburned, and then hit the road for 7 hours of family togetherness. That is a long ride, especially with three little Hoodlums mourning the end of their vacation, their Aunts and Uncles, Nana and Gran-pa Ranny, and 75 degree weather. They weren't even consoled when I explained to them it was only 3 short months until July, when Oakley might reach 75 degrees.

It was a great week. Thanks again Mom and Dad. xoxoxoxo

Aha! It's All Becoming Very Clear

Have you ever laid awake most nights of your life, not buying the whole Stork story, and wondering if you had actually been left on the doorstep with a note that said, "Can't deel. Gotta Run. Shez Yoor Prolum Now." And then, out of nowhere, your "Dad" introduces you to a crazy old lady, living amidst the wild burrows in Blue Diamond, Nevada, and suddenly your genealogy is staring you in the face/midriff, and tossing out crazy sentences involving the F-Bomb coupled with anecdotes about crocheting?

Yeah, me neither......Until, the planets aligned and my Dad felt I was reasonably stable enough to meet Aunt Barbara.

Aunt Barbara is my Dad's aunt. Sister to my Grandpa Kenneth. She spent a great deal of time looking after my Dad while he lived in Blue Diamond as a kid, and I got to meet her today. She is a hilarious, tiny woman, only in her 70's, but looks about 400, with a mouth only a sailor could kiss. I started to get an idea of what to expect as we traipsed through her back yard, picking our way gingerly through the barrage of gnomes, trolls, pinwheels, flamingos, metal cowboy cut-outs, flags, flowers(plastic and real),frogs, fountains, and large rocks taken from the BLM.... Shhh! Don't tell.

As we made our way onto the back deck, we were greeted by a large sign announcing, 'This Ain't Home Sweet Home, Adjust', and Aunt Barbara's loud "Ha, Ha" cackle that turns into a horrible, hacking, smoker cough. I immediately felt right at home, especially when my Dad said he hoped she hadn't minded that we came through the back, and she cut him off and said that only the Mormons come through the front door, and that's how she knows not to answer the bell. Yes!

She led us into this awesome museum type house. Home to every politically incorrect sign, shot glass, and plaque known to man. When I used her bathroom, it was with such reverence, so as not to disturb the box of 'Fanny Floss' set out for guests, or the handmade signs, that I cannot repeat without blushing. In the short two hour visit, I learned the following things about my sweet Aunt Barb.

1-She makes monthly trips to Mexico for three things. Her eyeglasses, prescription drugs, and booze.

2-The last time she was in Mexico, she smuggled out 5 mini switchblades in a pair of underwear that she had sewn a pocket in, for just such an occasion.

3-While smuggling out the switchblades, she asked my Grandpa's wife, Shirlene to take a couple, and then when Shirlene was stopped by customs, Aunt Barb made a run for it, leaving her high and dry . (Shirlene then interjects in the story, that instead of apologizing for leaving her at the border, Aunt Barb gets after her for not returning the weapons and getting her money back, which is met by a horrific Ha, Ha! cackle/coughing fit from Aunt Barb.)


4-Aunt Barb spends a lot of time down at Shirley's Whorehouse (sp?) where the food is good, and she "loves watching the Ol' Pervs, pickin' out their dates." She also reports that she was spending so much time down there, that they gave her an application. ( insert Ha, Ha! Cackle*Wheeze*F-Bomb*Wheeze* Ha!*Jab to the chest* Wheeze and F-Bomb.)


At this point in our introduction to my new Fay-vor-ite-tist Auntie, we move outside to the porch, where Dawson stumbles upon what looks to be a dead hummingbird in a Mason jar. Before I can redirect him towards the trampoline, he asks what it was. "Ah, that *^%^%$ hummingbird froze during the &^#!@ winter and thought it was cute, so I bottled it."


We sat out on the porch for a long time, listening to her stories, and sucking down the sweet smell of second hand tobacco. Aunt Barb was really special to my Dad, and had I known about her earlier, would have begged to at least spend summers with her. Despite being wild and crazy, I could sense a real kindness, and softness to her eyes, and a fondness for my Dad. She showed us her handi-crafts, and proudly talked about her three children, one of whom, is a Las Vegas Police Officer. She also talked about her late husband with adoration and a sense of longing for the time when they were still together.


My Dad, and Grandpa Kenneth, had an interview with someone writing the town history, and when they returned to Aunt Barb's house, we all loaded up in the cars, and headed back into Vegas, to dinner at Jeff's house. Dave and I, followed Aunt Barb, who drove like a maniac, and at times, could see both of her hands; one gesturing to the people in the back seat, and the other ashing her Pall Mall out the window, but nothing holding the steering wheel. She swerved back and forth, and cut right in front of a line of cars, her little Saturn up on two wheels and her trademark cackle floating through the open window. I was afraid, I was going to lose her, just a few precious hours after meeting her, but we finally reached Jeff's house with everyone intact, and I got a little more time.


At the end of the night, Aunt Barbara scolded my Dad for keeping us from her all this time, and we all hugged and kissed goodnight. It was bittersweet as I learned that she has cancer, and not very much time left, especially with the way she puffs on her smokes. As calloused and rough as she seemed, she had such a tenderness about her as well, and it was a visit and a lady, that I will not ever forget.


Thanks for sharing, Dad.

Granpa Kenneth, Shirlene, Us and Aunt Barbara

Diggin' In The Desert

Thursday, Gran-pa Ranny helped to fulfill Dylan's only vacation desire to "dig in the desert." Dylan was hoping to find treasure that some thieves had buried and Gran-pa Ranny had heard of a man at the swimming pool that sold treasure maps. (Sometimes he has no stranger boundaries.) We found the strange man with the thick accent, and he sold the treasure map to the Boyz for a buck.

We headed out towards Blue Diamond to do a little hiking and scavenging. It was a beautiful day and we followed the map that Hannah had unwillingly surrendered her eyeliner to create. There were also blood stains on the map, which came from an unknown source, but knowing my Dad, and his desire for authenticity, I just encouraged the Hoodlums to wash their hands after handling it.

We had a great time hiking up the trail, and at one point my 44oz-er caught up with me so I slipped into the bushes to water the desert shrubs. It wasn't long before my Mom and Sister, who also have no boundaries, were crashing through the bush with their cameras. I had barely stepped back onto the trail, tipped my hat to a guy walking his dogs and caught up with the Fam, when the Boyz found the first "X".

Luckily my Dad had brought some kitchen utensils and a strainer from the hotel for the excavation. The Hoodlums dug to their hearts content and picked up quite a haul in gold coins and other change. We hiked around and took some pictures and enjoyed the sun, the wild burrows and the scenery. It was a great day.

This is the Mysterious Man With the Map

Blood Stains, Burns and X Marks the Spot.

At the trail head, trying to figure out the map with Gran-pa Ranny and Dad.

My Family. We were just missing Jordan, and wished he and Hope were there with us.