So.....A Funny Story

Although Daveskins and I have a very similar taste in humor, sometimes the humor is lost in the delivery. Yesterday, the aforementioned husband came home from work with a doozy.

"Oh, funny story. Today I was working in a panel, and before I knew it a big zip of electricity went through my hand and out my finger (holds up hand for me to inspect, cue big smile and chuckle)."

I am paraphrasing the electricity part, Dave didn't actually call it a "big zip" but I am not quite certain of the proper terminology for electrical jargon.

"O..M..G.. That is one hilarious story. You know what is even hysterical-er? I see those burns on people at work sometimes, and they are (pause for dramatic effect), DEAD. Forgive my splitting sides, I just love your tales of whimsy."

Dave and I share a same genetic malformation in the way we communicate. We are both fluently sarcastic, and although that doesn't work in some relationships, we do just fine. We laid the ground rules for our, 'How was your day at work?' conversations long ago. When we pop the question each night it means for me, How was your day/I don't want to know if you were teetering on an 18 foot ladder, or your wedding band conducted an arc so impressive it destroyed power to a whole town. For Dave it means, don't tell me if you've seen anyone's junk, any story involving bodily fluids, and any descriptions of things that may, or may not make me vomit.....but probably will.

Sometimes, we forget the rules.

It's not that I don't know that Dave does dangerous things. I still vacation and live with him, and when we got our trampoline, I did have to go out and explain to him that 32 year old men with families, don't perfect their back flips, especially when the one I saw, looked like a bad set-up for America's Funniest Home Videos. He was reluctant to give it up until I told him in my sweetest voice that it was up to him, but he should know that the second he is a quadriplegic, I will select a nice, yet affordable care center for him, and pick out a new, walking Daddy for the Hoodlums.

Hence, this afternoon I was on the phone looking for extra life insurance. We have some life insurance, but the policies are a couple years, and a couple less babies, old. I did not know that in order to sell life insurance, your sense of humor must be completely removed. I quickly learned that once I explained the joke, and James, (Life Insurer to the Stars) still didn't laugh, that death is not an appropriate punch line for everyone. He gave me depressing examples of "friends" and "neighbors" who left their loved ones without any insurance, *sigh*.

I was tempted to whip out a, "No shit, Jim, can I call you Jim? I am no stranger to unexpected deaths, but you don't gotta be all doom and gloom, I called you!" Instead I ohhed and bummer-ed my way through his stories, and left him with a " Well that certainly gives me a lot to think about then, I'll be in touch."

On our way to Don Pedro's tonight (for my Tour of Mexico, make-up) Dave and I had the start of a serious conversation. I reported that James, (Life Insurer to the Stars) had indicated that to remain a kept woman, after Dave's demise, that we would need a 1.5 million policy. I couldn't help smiling after revealing the number, which made Daveskins fidget nervously. "Why are you smiling? What are you thinking about? Are you already spending that money! That is nothing in this economy, you need my steady paycheck.......... and my love."

I told him to just keep talking.......

Eventually, by the time we met some family members at D.P.'s, we had the logistics worked out. I will get the life insurance, and will stay in our current house, unless he is murdered, then I will pick a new location that doesn't smell of crime scene. I will not remarry, but take random lovers in expensive hotels as needed. He will not remarry under any circumstances, should I die first, and will spend his days with the children, and his nights sniffing my clothes in longing for me, and reminiscing about all the love I gave him. He is also allotted random lovers, but in cheap motels.

Of course I know this is a serious subject....... That is why I upped our insurance.

Tour Of Linsey

I had to lay the smack down on V-Day. All weekend long, Dave has been taunting, and teasing me with Mexican food. The kids were desperate for pizza on Friday, and while we were making our way to eat, Dave calls out, "Who wants to go to Don Pedro's instead?" Instantly the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth fills the back seat. "We always go there. You said we could have pizza! Wah, wah, blah, blah." I, on the other hand, perked right up. I looked over at him all loving and said, "Really?"

Of course he was teasing. Of course we couldn't drag the Hoodlums into DP's, especially with 2/3 of them in tears. Of course, he was smiling a smart ass little smile, that told me, he never really had any intention of recharting our course into Mexican heaven, and of course, I was irritated.

Saturday, after leaving the basketball game, we made a beeline towards the Siz, for kid requested seafood. Dave tells me an oh so funny story about our local gas station attendant and his favorite Mexican place, then wonders aloud, if we shouldn't go to La Costa, or Mi Ranchito... Before I can pick up on his obnoxious bait, my pulse quickens, and mentally I am already scanning the menu for something delicious. Right before I decide between the Rellenos, and the Carne Asada, I glance over to see him watching and smirking. Bastard! He just laughed.

The last straw came on true Valentines Day. As it happened on a Sunday, we were destined for our usual dinner at Grams. During breakfast, Dave meandered up to me with a sullen look on his face, and the newspaper in one hand. He looked so forlorn, I didn't even consider the possibility of a trap. There in his hot little hand was a half page ad for Don Pedro's Valentines Day Fiesta, featuring their once yearly offering of the Tour of Mexico. It felt like a white hot poker through my heart. Once....YEARLY.

I have partaken of the Tour of Mexico, and though it was two years ago I can still conjure up the taste of sweet and salty, meaty and lovely. My mouth was instantly a-water, and as I sat there simmering in my own juices, I began to think of any reason why my Daveskins would want to hurt me so bad, especially on Valentines. He had practically tormented me the whole weekend with his teasing. I lingered approximately 30 seconds trying to remember if I needed to apologize for something, then moved full speed ahead with my counter attack.

I clipped the picture of my beloved Tour of Mexico, for incentive, and tucked it in my scriptures so I wouldn't get distracted in church with all the talk of turning the other cheek. While it's more difficult to think of terrible things to do to your husband during a sermon, it is not impossible, and by the time Sacrament Meeting had started, my plan was in full swing. I had to be cool, not lay it on too thick, so as the meeting started, I leaned over and casually mentioned a few delightfully naughty Valentines "presents" that I had in store for him, and gave him a playful wink.

After church, we took a long nap in anticipation of an even longer evening of romance. The afternoon was peppered with tasty tidbits and promises of ecstasy to come. We weathered dinner at Gram's, and shared sweet smiles, and hand holding all the way home. The Hoodlums went to bed and I went to our bedroom to freshen up.

When Dave arrived, grinning from ear to ear, I motioned him closer, wavered only once, and then smacked the crinkled up newspaper clipping on his chest and said, "When I get my Tour of Mexico, you will get your Tour of Linsey." I then donned his flannel pajamas and retreated to the couch to fire up the DVR. Not wanting to leave him alone on Valentines, I hollered/cackled, that he was welcome to come snuggle me while I caught up on past episodes of the Bachelor.

Happy Valentines.

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Addendum: Dave has brought to my attention that I failed to awknowledge, that after a particularly harrowing dinner at Grams, he did go to D.P's for chips and salsa. It's true and I am embarrassed, that I forgot such a sweet, albeit a little late, attempt at getting in my pants.

Addendum: I can't believe what a terrible person I am for forgetting that Daveskins, who is handsome and strong, brought me chips and salsa on Valentines Day. He is awesome, and I am not...........and I am blocking him from the blog.

My Special Valentine

We had a very kid friendly "Valetimes" weekend. We love their little guts, so on Saturday, we took them for a day in the city. Our first stop was to Cottonwood High School, to watch my niece, McKay, play some B-Ball.


The first 6 minutes were great! 10 energetic, and smiley 12 year old girls, running up and down the court just happy to be there. My niece is a killer athlete, so it is always more fun to watch, and since I am such a good sport, I cheered for the sucky girls too. Then the coaches from the opposite team started harassing the poor referees.


You know what they say about guys that drive flashy cars and compensation; I am pretty sure that goes for referees as well. The two refs for the game, that I will hereto for refer to as, Baldy and Red, were of no exception. I could easily tell that the highlight of their week came on Saturday afternoon, when they got to be mostly in charge of tween girls........ Awesome.


Anywho, Baldy and Red started talking back to the coaches, their lips curling into vengeant smirks, when all of a sudden, Red rips off a technical foul on the opposing team's coach. The coach sputtered and Baldy and Red let loose on the whole bench. In that instant, I had a vision of myself when I am trying to get control of one of the Hoodlums. In a span of ninety seconds, I have banned them for life from their bikes, the Wii, candy, reading, playing outside, using utensils for meals, and breathing, and when I am out of breath from all the privileges I have revoked, I realize I have left little room for backtracking, and I look ridiculous. How could I possibly invoke a lifetime sentence of not breathing?


That is exactly where poor B & R found themselves. I haven't seen someone blow their whistle and threaten, and blow steam from their ears, since I was 12, living at home, and "borrowing" the car. Except I don't remember the threats, just the whistle and the steamy ears. In the midst of their tirade, it was probably in poor judgement for the offending coach to say, "Let's take it outside." Lucky for Baldy and Red, they were wearing dark pants, and I don't really blame them. The coach closely resembled O.J. Simps, but even if he was more Urkle, in a state this white, it is really a fear of the unknown. At that point, they called the cops, because the Refs felt like they had been "physically threatened" and wanted to clear the gym.

It was really a sight. Two full teams of tweener girls hysterically crying, uproar from both crowds, Baldy and Red in the fetal position, rocking back and forth and tweeting their whistles, and us trying to use the situation as a teaching moment on sportsmanship for the Hoodlums, while intermittently hollering out one liners at the Refs. Luckily, everyone simmered down and vacated the premises without tear gas.



The Hoodlums decided they wanted shrimp for Valentines. We headed to Sizzler, and at 4:00 in the afternoon, it was a sea of white. It felt like we were crashing a Valentines party at the old folks home. We were definitely the youngest people in there by 60 years, which made it easier to throw elbows at the salad bar (more lessons on sportsmanship), but more difficult to navigate the walkers and canes, back to our table. I think that the older you get, the easier you are to impress, because two different couples commented on how well behaved the Hoodlums were. Dave really left an impression on the one couple, when he replied, "We threaten their lives before we come in." He thought it was funny. They took down our license plate number.


We chose Sizzler because the Boyz can eat their weight in shrimp, but when it came down to it, Dylan ate half a cantaloupe, a plate of watermelon, canned peaches, mandarin oranges, grapes, and a sundae that was one part ice cream, ten parts gummy bears. Dawson held the door open for a couple on the way out and they made a big deal out of it. What they don't know, is that he could care less about being polite. His whole motive is to get there before Dyl, in their ongoing battle for who's turn it is to hold the door open. When the couple sang his praises, I just smiled and took the credit for excellence in parenting, and spared them his ulterior motive.


We finished off the evening at the movies, where the Boyz lost their choice, to Emma's pick of The Princess and the Frog. It was the same as every other Disney/Pixar movie out there, but the Hoodlums loved it and went to bed smiling. I am glad to still be their Valentime, and according to the Valentines stuffed under my pillow the other night, Dylan "loves me more than the whole world would explode." Dawson loves me a bunch of dinosaurs, and Emma cared enough to scribble some loves for me in her "fav-rit pinkanpupple."

Ice Castles

Tonight we ventured out to Midway to see the Ice Castles at the Zermatt. They are really quite spectacular, and were definitely the break we needed from our usual Friday, movie night.

It's always interesting to me, what the Hoodlums are going to think is totally awesome. The Ice Castles are incredible, and the Boyz oohed and aahed, but didn't become speechless until Dave called me over to point out a loogie that someone had spit on the wall of the sculpture. Totally disgusting, and no, it was not me that did it.

Loogie, is a term unfamiliar to the kids, and maybe in my advanced age, it is considered a politically incorrect reference. Nonetheless, I gave them my best definition, and they stood motionless, eyes glued to my face as I described an act, so wonderfully disgusting, that I doubt a nuclear event, nor piping hot Churro could distract them.

When I had finished regaling them with tales of phlegm, they turned their reverence to the actual Loogie and gave it a moment of silence. I quickly scanned our surroundings to make sure I hadn't educated anyone else's Chitlins, since I sometimes err on the side of graphic explanation, and had chosen to include various colors, and textures associated with subject matter.

We then went for Pizza, and had a lovely evening.

THE LOOGIE

Our family, enjoying the Loogie.
I love Dawson's face. It is the perfect expression of horror and awe.

Dave and I doing our best imitation of the movie, Ice Castles.

February In Phoenix

I had a great time in Phoenix, for the last three days at a Trauma Symposium, but all the memories would make for a ridiculously long post so I will just hit on the highlights.

*An overbooked flight to Phoenix, and me being the only one of my buddies that didn't check in the night before. Who knew they could sell your seat out from under you? It turned out alright though, and while I was in the bathroom, Jenn posed as myself and demanded a ticket, which they gave her.

*Elation at being granted a ticket, then the elation turning to anxiety as we boarded the tiniest plane ever, for which I was assigned the back row. My claustrophobia is usually in check but by the time I had taken my seat, and come to an agreement with my morbidly obese seat mate,(her thigh and panis would rest on my lap halfway there, then I would get to be on top, the rest of the way.) I was a mess. I thought about excusing myself and offering to trade spots with Abbie's seat mate on the exit row, explaining to him that she was a puker; or maybe just pulling the Sexy Stew aside to inform her that I didn't believe Abbie would be able to perform the duties of someone sitting on the exit row, but the seat belt sign clicked on, and I had to help my matey with her extenders.

*Riding the shuttle to the rental car place, and being so engrossed in Jenn's tales of the night shift before, that I didn't really notice the other passengers in the shuttle, go pale and queasy until someone said, "Uh, where do you guys work?

*Walking out of the airport, into the sunshine, and never wearing a coat for three whole days!

*Bringing a GPS with me, but not being able to figure it out, and when Jenn called the hotel for directions, she told them we had a Blond and a GPS, but they were canceling each other out. In my defense, Nicki, couldn't even figure it out.

*Abbie talked me into going for a run with her early Monday morning, and I was game on three conditions: 1-If I got tired, she would need to give me a piggy back ride home. 2-If in the wee hours of the morn, if we were accosted by Phoenix's seedy underbelly, she would run and save herself, no matter how much I screamed. And Thirdly: If the sheer friction of my thighs against each other, were to ignite my sweatpants whilst running, she would stop, drop, and roll me. She agreed and we had a wonderful work-out without any of the above trouble, although I did get a faint wiff of smoke around mile 3, but we just slowed our pace and my thighs cooled down.

*For the week leading up to the conference, buzzing with the girls about all the wild things we were going to do, how we were never going to sleep, how to get our stories straight, should we be arrested.......That kind of thing. When in actuality, we left the conference two lectures early on Monday, and all took a three hour nap. At our wildest, we also hit the movies for a chick flick, did some shopping, and ate a lot of chips and salsa. It was way more lovely than being arrested.

Jenn and Nicki

Me and Abbie

*At any given time during the lectures, one or more of us, was fast asleep. There were several instances where I jolted awake, as someone stuck their pen in my nose. Also trying to discreetly take pictures of the drool dripping off our co-workers chins with our cell phones, while maintaining an air of professionalism.

*Text heckling the Lecturer's to each other, who for the most part were so dry it was all I could do to stay awake to think of great comebacks for their statements. The content was geared mostly towards surgeons, and so while they were dissecting vessel walls, I stayed alert by thinking, Your Mom's a (insert vascular abnormality here) after each condition. There was also a female doctor lecturing, and though I am a fan of Girl Power, she made me want to slit my own throat just to end it. When she asked for questions, they only thing I could think of was a reference to just how many cats she might own.

*All the free Diet Coke I could drink.

*Staying up into the wee morning hours, sharing secrets, and discussing important stuff like love, religion, politics, medicine, while being able to argue and express our own view points respectfully, AND........ still remain friends.

*Our neighbors at the hotel hating our guts, and banging on the wall during a wicked impression Jenn does.

*Walking around a high end shopping center and mocking the high end saleswomen following us around, since we obviously couldn't afford anything in the store. Who the crud, spends $400 on a 5x7 picture frame? I felt very Hooker on Rodeo Drive-ish for the first time, except I couldn't go back to Richard Gere, who would then take me on an elaborate spree. They have no idea that I am pretty much treated like a queen at the Gap Outlet, especially on 10% Tuesdays, so they can suck it.

*Sleeping with Nicki, and being glad to have a responsible adult with me at all times.

*Riding/Praying in the front seat, with my belt securely buckled while Jenn drove like a bat out of Hell, to get us to the airport on time, and trying to rid my memory of all the bloody slides taken from car accidents, flashed rapid fired during the last 2 days of the conference. Then sitting on the freeway for an hour, due to a car accident, and Jenn saying, "Someone had better be dead, for making us this late..." and the following silence as we passed the accident and saw the telltale sign of lumps under a sheet on the road. Awk-ward.

*A feeling of restitution, that the next time I call parking services to pay my tickets, I can rest assured that having the hospital pony up for this trip, is like getting two months of parking tickets paid. Suckas!

*Running through the airport, jostling other travelers, leaping over vagrants, and arriving just in time to board the flight home. I left Phoenix with a smidge more info, valuable to my career, but more importantly, rejuvenated by some Vitamin D, some great memories, and some greater friends. Cheese!