Highlights of My Day

1- I almost got every word right on beat with Snoop D-O-Double-G, and Dre going down the canyon this am. I had to listen to Ain't Nuthin' But a G-Thang about 10 times because it had been awhile. Despite filling my brain with gansta rap, I used great self-restraint in only giving one middle finger, and cutting down my horn use to twice. Anyone who has driven Foothill at 8:45 will understand this. Baby steps....

2- I drove through the valet area and found a great spot in the patient parking. My bass was still pounding and I was still rapping away. I sat in my car for a few minutes, with the music up really loud, in order to pump myself up to go into the hospital. I was feeling pretty good until I stepped outside of my car and felt someone watching me. I turned around and there was a big black dude just staring at me. I sheepishly smiled and gave him a little wave, but he just shook his head at me and walked away. Whatever. I have every bit as much right to enjoy Compton and Long Beach, now you know we in trouble.

3- My first patient of the day, was schizo-affective, unmedicated, and a self-proclaimed "Warrior in a war of wars against Homeland security...." and something about cats that I can't remember. I asked him to get undressed and gave him a gown, and he immediately stopped rambling and said, "You look like a gal I could get naked with and take to my mansion for some lovemaking." I gave him a stern lecture on what is appropriate and what is not, but inside I was smiling. At my age, and after having 3 children, I have stopped considering the source when accepting compliments.

4- My new boyfriend, the "Warrior," was quite possibly the foulest smelling person I have ever come in contact with, especially after I removed his shoes and socks. It warmed my heart to see Lani, one of the nurses who was assigned the station outside of his room, hyper-spritzing the odor neutralizer and dry heaving every time the door opened. She was giving me some nasty glares, as if I could control his odor, and she is dang lucky the Security guards wouldn't give me the "Warrior's" socks, because they were going right into her purse. Love you Lani.

5- While working with another patient the charge nurse came across my radio to inform me that the aforementioned "Warrior" had cold cocked Nick, one of my favorite techs, and was subsequently restrained. Restrained is the nice way of saying, "We tied up your patient and now you have a crap load of paperwork to fill out." The paper work sucked, but I got a lot of mileage out of making jokes at Nick's expense for the next 11 hours.

6- At 3:00, I finally got to go downstairs for some lunch. I was excited that the sandwich station was still open, except the regular sandwich ladies were not there. I asked for a sandwich on wheat bread, while she was taking the bread out of the sack, I made the mistake of asking her if she new how many calories were in the bread. An innocent question, but it led to this exchange. Thank goodness for the language barrier and sneeze guard.

Sandwich Lady: Are you on some sort of diet?
Me: No, my trainer says it is a lifestyle change.
S.L.:I used to big like you. (she is an tiny little Indonesian lady, maybe 75 lbs.)
Me: I doubt that, but thank you.
S.L.: You want mayo?
Me: No, just honey mustard, thanks.
S.L.: Oh! You making good choices! Wink
Me: Blink, Blink...
S.L.: I used to be huge! Back in Indonesia, I weighed something something kilos.
Me: Isn't that how they measure crack?
S.L.: What?
Me: What?
S.L.: You want cheese?
Me: Yes, please.
S.L: Oh, tsk tsk That is not good choice.
Me: I will kick your ass.
S.L.: What?
Me: What?
S.L.: You not have cheese. I help you.
Me: I could snap you like a twig.
S.L.: What?
Me: Whatever.

I learned long ago to pick your battles, and with only a 30 minute lunch break, I had to just cut my losses, and eat the healthy sandwich she prepared for me.

7- After lunch, I took a Brain Attack, and when I had him safely delivered upstairs, I came back to find that the "Warrior" was no longer in the ED. Yay!

8- I got out of the hospital precisely at 9:00, and walked the short distance to where I was illegally parked. No ticket Suckas! Today was a good day.