Mutha's Day

My mother's day mostly sucked. I was accidentally put on the schedule for work, so I had to work most of the day. My first patient was a jackass and I spent a good portion of the morning wrapped up in the trauma bay curtains, crying and feeling sorry for myself. My morning had started out so well too. As I was leaving the house at 5:45 am, I noticed the accent lighting in the kitchen on, and smelled something delicious. Dave had made me orange rolls through the night. I never even heard him get up, but apparently he kept setting the alarm so he could get up and raise the dough and bake the rolls. They were freaking delicious, and he over frosted them, just like I like them. I have no words to describe the love I have for that man.

When I got home from work, I arrived to a smorgasbord of gifts and treats. The boys' were so excited to show me the cards and gifts they had made. Dawson even made me a piece of cinnamon toast cut in the shape of a heart. It was delicious.

I never had the burning desire to have children. I didn't babysit growing up, I didn't coo at infants, (I still don't coo) and they just seemed so irritating and sticky. When Dave and I got married, we were told we would have an uphill battle even conceiving. That pissed me off and made me want children more than anything. In retrospect, it was more the fact that I could not get pregnant, than the actual desire to have a little bundle of screaming joy. We had a rough couple of years filled with Dr. appointments, drugs, excitement and extreme disappointment. I remember driving home with Dave after spending a particularly hard day in Provo, where everyone is pregnant, and having the "I'm done" talk. We were about to move into the first house that we built together, and I remember saying, "Let's just have dogs, and travel."

A few weeks later I was huddled in the employee bathroom at work, with a pilfered pregnancy test, trying to figure out what the hell two lines meant. I drew my own blood and sent it for a stat confirmation. Dave and I were watching t.v. on the couch, when the lab finally called about 10:00 that night. When I hung up the phone, I told Dave, and we just kind of stared at each other. It was so surreal.

Since that night, we have had a lot of ups and downs. I now have two handsome boys, I lost a daughter, and have a beautiful baby girl, and nothing will ever been as important to me, as being the best mother I can be. Everyday is a struggle for me, because I have a laundry list of faults to overcome, and a lot of growing up to do myself. But I never could have imagined the love I would have for my family, and that is worth any amount of work I have to do.